A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman expects one man to meet her every need.
A man expects all women to meet his one need.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

I came, I saw, she conquered.

Two old-timers are talking. One says, "say, how's your wife?" The other says, "I think she's dead." The first is shocked, "why do you say that?" "Well," the second replies, "the sex hasn't changed, but the dishes are piling up."

A man is driving down the road when he is stopped by a police officer. "Say," the officer says, "did you realize that your wife fell out a couple of blocks ago?"
"Oh, what a relief," the man says, "I thought I was going deaf."

I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy. - Steve Martin

That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust. - Gustave Flaubert quoted in The 637 best things anybody ever said.

Question from the Audience: Did you ever pay for sex?
Johnny Carson: [Pause] And pay and pay and pay.

Man: Are you a lesbian?
Flo Kennedy: Are you my alternative?

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist. - Camille Paglia, quoted in Return of the Portable Curmudgeon.

For a man, urination is a form of commentary. - Camille Paglia,

If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Women do like a three-way involving two men: one cleaning, the other cooking.

Why do men love receiving oral sex?
The peace and quiet.

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. - Lynda Barry, quoted in Return of the Portable Curmudgeon.

A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. - Rita Rudner

Getting married for the sex is like buying a 747 for the peanuts.