The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club. - Dave Barry, quoted in Return of the Portable Curmudgeon

The Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. -- Lewis Black, HBO special

Will Rogers...used to come out with a newspaper and pretend he was a yokel criticizing the intellectuals who ran the government. I come out with a newspaper and pretend I’m an intellectual making fun of the yokels running the government. — Mort Sahl

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with prayer and closes with an investigation. -- Will Rogers, N. Y. Times Magazine, 1/1/1956

It's an old, old trick of autocratic rule ... good subjects must feel guilty. The guilt begins as a feeling of failure. The good autocrat provides many opportunities for failure in the populace.
- Frank Herbert

Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it. -- P. J. O'Rourke, quoted in Return of the Portable Curmudgeon

Political satire became superfluous shortly after Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace prize. -- Tom Leher

A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. -- Edward Abbey, quoted in Return of the Portable Curmudgeon

Congressman ___ was indicted for sexual misconduct and financial irregularities. Misusing sex and money. Boy, that guy can't decide if he is a Democrat or a Republican. -- Jay Leno

The President is aware of what is going on in Southeast Asia. That is not to say that there is something going on. -- Ron Ziegler (Nixon's press secretary)

The only thing worse than the Republicans and the Democrats is when these p***s work together. - Lewis Black, HBO special

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - Hunter S. Thompson, The Great Shark Hunt, p. 53

Washington couldn't tell a lie,
Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and
Bush can't tell the difference. - Mort Sahl

What American Republicans believe:

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad  guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.  

 Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with  China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. 

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. 
 
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without  regulation. 
 
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. 

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. 
 
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. 

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health  care to all Americans is socialism. 

HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart. 
 
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but  creationism should be taught in schools. 
 
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense,  but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. 

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. 

 Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

 Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will  be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.) 

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what  Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant. 
 
IF YOU DON'T SEND THIS ON TO AT LEAST 10 OTHERS, WE'RE LIKELY TO BE STUCK  WITH MORE REPUBLICANS IN '06 AND '08.